Female. 22 years old. Never been kissed.

The following is a conversation between our former band and one lonely, overzealous sound-guy. The entire correspondence took place over a few hours one afternoon. What follows is a haunting look into the psyche of a twenty-something with too much free time and not enough female interaction. On second thought, make that TWO twenty-somethings with too much free time and not enough female interaction. The old band name has been changed, but is still fucking awesome.

From: TRIPLE X Subject: hey who this.... please

From: The Chewbacalypse Subject: re:hey Neil Diamond.

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:hey k.. how u know me.. are u a male or female

From: The Chewbacalypse Subject: re:re:re:hey Female. 22 years old. Never been kissed.

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:hey k..... ***-****...text me . lets talk n hangout james..

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:hey hello...do u want talk n hangout

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:hey hey .. guess you dont wanne talk n hangout

From: The Chewbacalypse Subject: re:re:re:re:re:hey James, This will, unfortunately, be our last correspondence. My parents, whom I live with, discovered that I had been talking to a boy and have forbade me to talk to you anymore after this, our last, message. Don't be mad at them- my parents are good, honest, hardworking guinea pig breeders with the best intentions. Personally, I think their fears of our romantic involvement will lead to heartbreak. I had a very troubled childhood and was teased profusely as a child for my cleft lip. It was so bad that we had to move and I had to be home schooled. But you, my beautiful angel, don't need to worry about that. James, it breaks my heart to think about the future we will never have together: our story book wedding at my parents guinea pig farm, our children Hank, Merlin, Edward Cullen and little Anastasia- it saddens me tremendously. Love, Nell Diamond Female. 22 years old. Never been kissed.

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:hey call me lets talk n be friends please..im a really good guy.. ***-**** ..i was at toucans helping this band when they played there last week....so please text or call me k.james

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:hey wuzz up ??? can we talk n hangout please...im 25 i work at toucans.. yesterday.hard rack.. so ***-***-**** james

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:hey hey..wuzz up

From: The Chewbacalypse Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:...hey Not much, sir. <3 T.N.D.E.

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:...hey text me.***-**** gurl

From: The Chewbacalypse Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:...hey Gurl?

From: The Chewbacalypse Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:...hey There aren't any girls in this band. T.N.D.E.

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:...hey k.,, so neil diamond that been messagin me?????

From: The Chewbacalypse Subject: hey I'm not sure know what you're talking about? This is The Near Death Experiment

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:...hey someone name. neil diamond been talken to me on this page allday???????????

From: The Chewbacalypse Subject: re:re:re:re:re:re:...hey Oh sorry, we get a lot of SPAM on our bands account and most of the time just write a bunch of nonsense back at those accounts. We get like 3 garbage messages per day. Sorry we confused you with one. What's up, man?

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:hey hey tell me who wrote that????? or ur band will not play friday at toucans.bc i can call david or chris to cancell yall

From: TRIPLE X Subject: re:re:re:re:hey nm...i was gettin pissed off ?...... so ingore that last message pleasek

/masterpiece